On Ignorance.

There is such truth to the statement, "Ignorance is bliss." I don't believe I fully appreciated the sentiment until my heart broke.

I can remember before I were ever in a romantic relationship the feelings of longing and yearning to have someone to call my love. For someone to call me their love. But let's be honest, I had no idea what that even meant. I sure couldn't tell you how it makes a person feel, what it does to a person, the sort of warmth it creates in a person. I especially couldn't tell you the mess it leaves in a person when the love is just suddenly gone.

I sort of miss that ignorance.

I had no idea the pain I'd feel, the things I'd miss. I had no idea that this kind of thing actually existed outside of the movies. It was easy to live under the cloak of not knowing.

And who said it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all?

Had they had their heart broken? Had they sat in disbelief and shock when they realized it was lost? Had they watched it vanish into thin air in response to three words, "I don't know"? And what an amazing trick. I mean, really...an entire life changed, broken, and shaking...an entire part of a person gone...an entire world's axis shifted. With three words. Who saw this one coming?

And coincidentally enough...it also only took three words to realize my dream...

"I love you."

Funny how painful those words have become. Like a bruise.

Before this, I simply wanted love...but now...

Now, there is such a sense of urgency about it. Like the feeling you get when you hold your breath too long...that feeling you have for that first, huge burst of oxygen to your lungs. It's not just a longing anymore, it's a frantic desire.

I miss it. I miss him.

And yet part of me is sort of disgusted with love...and him.

What did I do to deserve this? What was the moment that decided this was the course of my life? And why? Why?

No one can tell me. Not even he can tell me.

Even though it was on his command that it ended, "I don't know." While ironically enough it was on his command that it all even started, "I love you."

What was the point of giving me such a gift if it were going to be taken away so quickly?

Really.

Are these the kinds of things that really make a person stronger? Because right now I feel so broken and so weak that the possibility of feeling whole again seems so...

Impossible.

Now that's a magic trick I'm looking forward to:

Feeling whole again.

What three words make that happen?

When will that huge burst of oxygen find its way to my frantic lungs?

...

It was so much easier when I just wanted love.

But to want love again...?

There's nothing easy about that.