Because sometimes...

I just need a lil' reminder of what makes me happy.

And in no particular order...

1) I am absolutely, crazy inlove with Corinne Bailey Rae's song, "Like a Star." It gives me this flutter in my stomach and I just can't get enough of it.

2) Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. This semester has proved to be the most difficult to make it through, and not in terms of academics. In terms of lacking patience.

3) My Christmas tree. I seriously can't explain where the feeling emanates from, or why it's so powerful...but it just warms me up and makes me smile.

4) I have amazing people in my life. Like crazy amazing. They love me whether I'm laughing with them (or at them), crying, dancing through the kitchen, being a bitch, forgetting to send a letter...or whatever. True love.

5) I am finally starting to live up to my potential. It's feels incredible!

6) I've found a new love and release in writing. Sitting down and just emptying out my head...it's so empowering.

7) I have a neighbor who PAYS me to play and hang out with her adorable daughter. PAYS. Unbelievable.

8) Ben Folds and Wilco. Plain and simple.

9) Sometimes when I'm sitting here at the computer, my bird looks at me and says, "Love you." And somehow I know he means it, and it just makes me smile inside.

10) I have this sense of urgency to LIVE and LOVE life. It's new. And I love it.

11) For some reason, this year I am enamored with the weather. The cold...the rain...the clouds...the dark. I love it.

12) "Cat got your tongue? EARL got your tongue?!" hahahaha.

13) I got to spend 2 hours a week, almost every week, for the past 16 weeks with a beautiful boy named Brandon who sucks on and tries to pick my nose. I love him.

14) And while having my nose sucked on, I was able to help a friend out...one who deserves only the most amazing things in life. She has this crazy huge piece of my heart. <3>

15) "Nobody drink the beer! THE BEER HAS GONE BAD!" - "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!" - "Oh boo, you whore." - "This is love...this is love..." and other such movie quotes.

16) Eating ice cream...with a fork. Love it.

17) I can do whatever strange thing I want: spaz dance in the kitchen, sing like Aaron Neville, write down an absurd amount of random words, or anything. And my family and friends will just shake their heads, and I just know that whatever strange thing I did just makes them love me that much more.

18) Long phone conversations that make my face hurt so much, it takes a few minutes for it to relax.

19) Laughing at random times, when I'm all alone because I remembered something funny.

20) Having someone play one of my favorite songs on the piano for me.

21) I've done a ridiculous amount of surveys and will continue to do more, and no one ever tells me to get over myself. That's love.

22) Crossword puzzles...even when I have to cheat.

23) My pillow. It is seriously one of the most comfortable things I've ever layed my head upon.

24) Being scared to limit my TV watching, doing it anyway and then finding out that I really don't miss it all that much. In fact, I like not watching TV. I get so much more done.

25) The rain: hearing it fall, seeing it puddle and feeling it against my face.

26) Caramel Apple Ciders and Hot Chocolates, with or without Peppermint. Gaaa.

27) Nip/Tuck Tuesdays and sushi Fridays.

28) The fact that I'm seeing less of me, but loving more of me. And not because the numbers are smaller, but because I finally had the strength to do it.

I feel silly ending this here. I have so much more, but I'm a tired lil' girl.

The list goes on though...it goes on and on and on and on... :)

Free time is dangerous.

Babysitting...the child is sleeping...and I am bored. *sigh*

I've been in my head a lot lately...too much actually. I used to think it was impossible for someone to think too much. I've changed my mind. In fact, I believe myself to be that person. I think all the damn time...and I'm not saying that for some bragging right, trust me. I just get so stuck in my head...and it sucks sometimes.

What I've been thinking about most lately is relationships, of the romantic variety. More specifically, my relationships...or actually, my lack of them. I've recently realized that a major issue with my lack of romantic relationships is that my first instinct with a guy is to be his friend. And I'm not talking just casual friend...I'm talking, I like to go deep...and make it known that I can be that shoulder, or ear, or warm hand to hold when they need it. I used to think that this would work in my favor. I mean it's only logical that this way they'd see who I am, and realize, "Hey...this is a woman I can be with." No. Apparently the more realistic avenue we go down is the, "Hey...she is my friend." Awesome. And I justify this in my head by saying, "Well I'd rather have them in my life as just a friend, than nothing at all." Which is true. The problem arises when I stop myself from ever pursuing anything with the men I like because I am their friend. I am their friend. Major reason number 1 I have been single for 23 years.

Another reason for my perpetual singledom: I'm different. Again...I am not saying this as a bragging right. I'm not the typical 23 year old woman, plain and simple. Given the choice to a) dress up and go out on the town or b) just hang out at my house or someone else's house...I will almost always choose b). I don't really enjoy the typical 20-something world...I don't know why, and I don't really feel bad about it. It just seems to cause some problems. And I mean, I can't be the only person who feels this way. I know I'm not...but where the hell are the rest of them hiding?

I've been so frustrated lately about it. Like sick to my stomach frustrated. I just can't understand what is so "wrong" with me that there isn't a man whose path runs next to mine that wants me...wants to learn me, teach me, grow with me, love me.

Because...the way I see it, I'm quite the catch. Yet...I haven't been "good enough" for anyone yet. Jerks.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see: a beautiful woman. I see my flaws: some I love, the others I'm working on. I might not look like other typically beautiful women, but damnit, I am beautiful.

I look in into my heart and I see: a deeply compassionate person whose heart floods with emotions. Each of them I cherish...no matter how painful some may be. I feel deeply and don't apologize for it...but most of the time I feel like I'm the only one.

I look into my mind and I see: an intelligent person...not just book smart, but people smart, street smart...world smart. I know there are things I need to learn more about, but I also know that I'm ahead of the pack in a lot of areas.

I can't understand it. I genuinely just don't get it.

"Get out of the house!" "Go out and have fun!" "Meet people!" That's the advice I get.

I get out of the house...I go out and have fun...I meet people all the time. I must be doing something wrong.

"Just be patient, it'll happen." "It'll happen when you least expect it." "Good things come to those who wait." This is what I hear in response to my want.

I have been patient...I'm never expecting it...I have been waiting for 23 years. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I'm tired of being patient and waiting.

*sigh* I just don't know. It's frustrating and infuriating and completely ridiculous...and I feel so typical sitting here, writing and whining about being single. Typical is not something I strive for...typical scares me. Is that my problem?

No...the problem is that what "typical" actually is. I want to be typical...but I want to be a new breed of typical. If "typical" meant being genuine, and loving, smart and full of life, a hunger for great things, honest and authentic, compassionate and passionate and not about the trivial, shallow, meaningless things that so many are caught up in...well then, typical would be what I strive for. Unfortunately, that isn't typical.

Typical is a four letter word to me (And not a good one). While I seem to be the four letter word to typical. And typical runs rampant. Typical is the majority...and well, I'm just not down with that.

All I know is that I'm ready to take this step forward and I can't find anyone who wants to take it with me. I'm ready and tired of waiting. And more importantly, I'm tired of being disappointed.

As an enthusiastic, eternal optimist this is a rough place to be. Rough. And I'm ready to leave now, thanks.