I've just been piddling around on myspace, as per my usual routine of things, and I'm feeling rather restless. I'm at my neighbor's babysitting and little face is asleep so I'm left to my own devices...which includes, as always, over thinking.
I've had a lot on my mind lately. One thing that keeps popping up for me is my inability to talk about what I'm feeling, thinking, wondering. I constantly question whether or not the people I'm surrounded by want to hear what I have to say, and while I know rationally that they care about me, and therefore what I'm feeling, I just can't convince myself to actually say it. The words get as far as my throat and then retreat back into my head, never maturing into actual, spoken words. I'm not entirely sure what stops me...fear? I'm sure. But fear of what exactly? Being vulnerable...being disrespected...being ignored? Sounding stupid...sounding self-absorbed...sounding ridiculous? I can't place it, but I know that it is something that bothers me immensely. I have a reputation for being the one that listens and advises and comforts, and have always been so insistent on people not locking up their emotions, yet I am the first one to do so.
Hmm.
Another thing that keeps popping up is money. I love what I'm doing right now...watching children. It pays my bills, I have a little to play with, and the experience is great. Sure I have to deal with poop and whining and the infrequent brat, but really, I have an amazing time doing what I'm doing. My problem is that I want more. I want more experience. I want to meet more people. And as shallow as it seems, I want more money. I have a goal to move out this year. And no offense to my family, I wouldn't have lived at home so long if I didn't love it, but I just feel like it's time to spread my wings. Unfortunately I'm not even close to being in the position to do so, with my money flow being what it is. But I feel a sense of obligation to Torrance's parents. Not that I think I'm the only one they could find and trust with their child, but I've spent a year watching her grow up, and being a main part of that...and now they're about to welcome a second child into the mix. As strange as it sounds, I feel like a part of the family, in the sense that I just can't walk away from them. The handful of other children I watch are amazing too, but I watch them so infrequently that I could easily just say, "Hey, I won't be as available as before, but don't lose my number."
...I think I just had an epiphany. When I'm looking out for myself I feel deeply selfish. I feel like I should be sacrificing at least something all the time, and when I make it about me and what I want or need, I feel horrible.
How do you stop putting yourself second (Or third, or fourth, or...) when it's so deeply engrained in who you are? How do you stop that cycle? When will I be able to make myself a priority without feeling guilty about it?
I kind of feel sick to my stomach now.
