My rock and hard place.

Despite all the amazing gifts I've been given over the last few months, there lingers around me such a sense of loss and confusion that the amount of internal pep-talks have reached an all-time high. I find that I am constantly reminding myself of all the gifts that I have already received and all the ones I have to look forward to; there are so many of them, I am not ignorant of that. It's just that while I have so much to look forward to and be grateful for and to be the trembling sort of excited about, my heart is still breaking.

It's a part of my heart that I never dreamed would break. It's the part of my heart that belongs to my family; blood relation and those who are so much a part of my soul that DNA is no factor. This part of my heart has always been bursting, filled to an always increasing "max" with love and laughter and beauty. But now it also breaks. Not because it's finally reached a max that can't give anymore, but because someday soon, almost too soon, I will have to tell them "good-bye" (which even though is temporary still stings with pain) so that I can say "hello" to a man that I was in love with long before I was even aware of it.

I can't decide whether I am that lucky, or that unlucky. To have a heart so big and so bursting; it almost seems too painful to feel lucky, though I know that is exactly what I am.

And grateful. And inspired. And so in love with everything that it becomes hard to breathe.

And it is hard. I've had to talk myself through the, "You're not trading one thing for another," conversation so many times that I could write a book on it. And I'm slowly understanding that having both loves requires not a choice but rearranging and compromising. A shift and change of lifestyle that I never considered because, well, I never thought I would be this lucky. I never thought I would be so lucky that a choice of the "lesser of two evils" wouldn't even apply. Both of my choices are so mind-blowingly amazing that this choice is far harder.

But I have to remember: I'm not picking one over the other.

I'm choosing both. But it still calls for great change and great compromise.

And it's great. It all is. It will take adjustment, and there will be more tears, and more heartbreak but in the end things will be even better than they are now (I didn't even know that was possible). I will have created a life with both of my loves at the top of my pyramid and the tears will be replaced with laughter and smiles, and the heartbreak will again make my heart stronger and bigger and even more excited for life.

I will be okay, better than okay. And my loves will be okay, too, better than.

They already are.