It's not that...

...life has been bad, that's not it at all. It's just that life has been life. It has been complicated, and exhausting, and frustrating, and full of surprises. It has been life.

The past week of my life has been the proverbial roller coaster. My mom and my brother both left on a vacation that makes me queasy to my stomach to think about. School has been putting the pedal to the medal. I have been poked, prodded and practically interrogated about my feelings. And even more emotionally draining, my grandma was admitted to the hospital, had surgery and has lived the past 4 days with a breathing tube down her throat while stuck in a bed watching life happen around her. And that kills me. I've only gone to see her twice, and the first time I didn't even get to see her as she had just finished up with surgery. Which frankly, I was kind of okay with not being able to see her. It wouldn't have been her anyway...just some drugged up, out of sorts body double, and I didn't want that image in my head. The second time, however, I got to see her. I walked into her ICU room with the 5 other family members that have been amazingly available this past week and I broke down. No one else could see it. It was one of those silent, internal breaking downs where the only give away is the lump in your throat and the slight wavering of your voice. Luckily the room wasn't lit very well, and with all the "beeping" and "whooshing" and "buzzing" going on with my grandma's assortment of high tech gadgetry, my break down went unnoticed. The only moment that made that all worth it that evening was the twinkle in my grandma's eyes when she looked up at me from across the room and put her arms up. That moment...well, that's what life is about, no?

As I left my grandma and all the beeping, whooshing and buzzing of her room and the chatting of my family the lump in my throat grew. I called my mom. She didn't answer. There was no one else I wanted to hear me cry, so I cried alone. In my car. As I drove home. I yelled at drivers and turned the radio up because for some reason I thought that it would make me feel better. I made it home and talked to my dad and then the lump got too big to hide...

I cried and I scolded my family. I scolded them for only being around when they have to...when things get so bad that someone is in the hospital. I scolded them for being so selfish that they don't realize that having 5 or 6 or more of them in her room at one time is overwhelming for someone in her position. I scolded them for talking about her to everyone in the room and not looking her in the eyes and telling her something besides, "You're going to be okay." Is she? Do you really think that those 5 words are going to somehow change the fact that she's lying in an uncomfortable hospital bed, in a robe made for someone twice her size, with a plastic tube taking up residence in her throat, with constant buzzing and beeping going on, in a place she does everything in her power to avoid? Do you somehow think that those words coming from your mouth is really going to make her feel any better? Get over yourself. We all know that she's going to be okay...and if you don't and you're saying it to make you feel better, get out of her hospital room, she doesn't need that. I'm angry at them. So angry. It's the typical family style bull shit. It's a bull shit in a completely different class, one that really sticks to you. Everyone is so busy with their lives...working, building homes, going on vacation, doing the things that they want to do and then sometimes fitting my grandparents into the mix in 20-30 minute installments once or twice every other week. And now, now that she's lying in a hospital bed, the fact that you've taken time out of your life to come and see her and overwhelm her, now you're A+ family member? Now you deserve some sort of pat on the back because, "Look mom, I am here for you when you need me to be." What about the times she just wants you to be around? What about visiting her not because you just happened to be down the street and hell, you might as well swing by for a few minutes? What about being a family ALL the time? Not just because one of us is lying in a hospital bed.

I scolded them for that too.

And now I feel like I shouldn't go to the hospital as much as I want to because they're already there...and have been there since the sun rose and will be there until the sun sets. Why should I feel like I can't go see my grandma, so I can talk TO her, see HER and not some body double in a hospital bed because all of them are so proudly wearing their "FAMILY" button while sitting on top of their white horses in dire need of a bath? Why?

I may have scolded them for that, too.

I don't know. I've slept more in the past few days than I normally do, and I'm still tired. And with all of this I'm dealing with the rest of life. And really, I'm not bitching about life. I'm just frustrated and this is just another hurdle to make it past with new thoughts and ideas and lessons and memories. That's all. But right now...it just feels so...

Heart breaking.