Babysitting...the child is sleeping...and I am bored. *sigh*
I've been in my head a lot lately...too much actually. I used to think it was impossible for someone to think too much. I've changed my mind. In fact, I believe myself to be that person. I think all the damn time...and I'm not saying that for some bragging right, trust me. I just get so stuck in my head...and it sucks sometimes.
What I've been thinking about most lately is relationships, of the romantic variety. More specifically, my relationships...or actually, my lack of them. I've recently realized that a major issue with my lack of romantic relationships is that my first instinct with a guy is to be his friend. And I'm not talking just casual friend...I'm talking, I like to go deep...and make it known that I can be that shoulder, or ear, or warm hand to hold when they need it. I used to think that this would work in my favor. I mean it's only logical that this way they'd see who I am, and realize, "Hey...this is a woman I can be with." No. Apparently the more realistic avenue we go down is the, "Hey...she is my friend." Awesome. And I justify this in my head by saying, "Well I'd rather have them in my life as just a friend, than nothing at all." Which is true. The problem arises when I stop myself from ever pursuing anything with the men I like because I am their friend. I am their friend. Major reason number 1 I have been single for 23 years.
Another reason for my perpetual singledom: I'm different. Again...I am not saying this as a bragging right. I'm not the typical 23 year old woman, plain and simple. Given the choice to a) dress up and go out on the town or b) just hang out at my house or someone else's house...I will almost always choose b). I don't really enjoy the typical 20-something world...I don't know why, and I don't really feel bad about it. It just seems to cause some problems. And I mean, I can't be the only person who feels this way. I know I'm not...but where the hell are the rest of them hiding?
I've been so frustrated lately about it. Like sick to my stomach frustrated. I just can't understand what is so "wrong" with me that there isn't a man whose path runs next to mine that wants me...wants to learn me, teach me, grow with me, love me.
Because...the way I see it, I'm quite the catch. Yet...I haven't been "good enough" for anyone yet. Jerks.
I look at myself in the mirror and I see: a beautiful woman. I see my flaws: some I love, the others I'm working on. I might not look like other typically beautiful women, but damnit, I am beautiful.
I look in into my heart and I see: a deeply compassionate person whose heart floods with emotions. Each of them I cherish...no matter how painful some may be. I feel deeply and don't apologize for it...but most of the time I feel like I'm the only one.
I look into my mind and I see: an intelligent person...not just book smart, but people smart, street smart...world smart. I know there are things I need to learn more about, but I also know that I'm ahead of the pack in a lot of areas.
I can't understand it. I genuinely just don't get it.
"Get out of the house!" "Go out and have fun!" "Meet people!" That's the advice I get.
I get out of the house...I go out and have fun...I meet people all the time. I must be doing something wrong.
"Just be patient, it'll happen." "It'll happen when you least expect it." "Good things come to those who wait." This is what I hear in response to my want.
I have been patient...I'm never expecting it...I have been waiting for 23 years. What the fuck else am I supposed to do? I'm tired of being patient and waiting.
*sigh* I just don't know. It's frustrating and infuriating and completely ridiculous...and I feel so typical sitting here, writing and whining about being single. Typical is not something I strive for...typical scares me. Is that my problem?
No...the problem is that what "typical" actually is. I want to be typical...but I want to be a new breed of typical. If "typical" meant being genuine, and loving, smart and full of life, a hunger for great things, honest and authentic, compassionate and passionate and not about the trivial, shallow, meaningless things that so many are caught up in...well then, typical would be what I strive for. Unfortunately, that isn't typical.
Typical is a four letter word to me (And not a good one). While I seem to be the four letter word to typical. And typical runs rampant. Typical is the majority...and well, I'm just not down with that.
All I know is that I'm ready to take this step forward and I can't find anyone who wants to take it with me. I'm ready and tired of waiting. And more importantly, I'm tired of being disappointed.
As an enthusiastic, eternal optimist this is a rough place to be. Rough. And I'm ready to leave now, thanks.
