The hardest thing.

I don't know why...but I have such an aversion to sharing my art.

With that said, I'm sharing.

Both pieces say a lot about me. Though both started without such an intention.

I started the first over a year ago (I lovingly refer to it as the "Bowling Pin.") and just finished it about 2 weeks ago. The other started as a sketch on my mirror while I was painting my room (I bore easily.) and I couldn't wash the paint off my mirror without translating it into something I could keep forever.

I love them both, but I feel especially connected with the second. After I was done I realized it reminded me of two pieces of art: The Birth of Venus, and The Virgin Mary. I'm not quite sure what that says about me or my state of mind. But I love it nonetheless.

A few more...

...to add to The List:

- Slow dance under the stars.
- Watch the sunrise and sunset on the same day.
- Stay inside, in bed, all weekend with my lover.

And in completely unrelated news...

I've always been curious as to why we get goosebumps. So I looked it up. I am satisfied.

The List.

My Life To-Do List, 2.0

In no particular order...

- Live alone.
- Fall inlove.
- Learn to speak Spanish.
- Go real camping.
- Be able to do the splitz both ways.
- Take a long hike.
- Own a home.
- Go whale watching.
- Movie hop.
- Learn to play the drums.
- Visit all 50 states.
(AL, AK, AZ, AR, CA, CO, CT, DE, FL, GA, HI, ID, IL, IN, IA, KS, KY, LA, ME, MD, MA, MI, MN, MS, MO, MT, NE, NV, NH, NJ, NM, NY, NC, ND, OH, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, SD, TN, TX, UT, VT, VA, WA, WV, WI, WY)
- Take a long train ride.
- Learn more about Mexican culture, history and traditions.
- Take self defense classes.
- Learn how to handle and shoot a gun.
- Have sex outside.
- Ride a tandem bicycle.
- Swim with the dolphins.
- Kiss in the rain.
- Take pictures in a photo-booth.
- Make a recipe book of family recipes. And use it.
- Learn sign language.
- Develop photos by hand.
- Learn to ride a motorcycle.
- Go on a cruise.
- Own an old fashioned type writer. And use it.
- See an Opera.
- See a Broadway show.
- Have a "white" Christmas.
- Go to a real Irish Pub. In Ireland.
- Have something I've written published.

On Certainty.

Have you ever felt something so powerful and so right that the idea of it not being true seemed completely absurd? Impossible?

And yet...it turns out to be "wrong" anyway?

What do you do when that happens?

I end up sitting and staring and finding myself impossibly lost in thoughts. I cry. I sleep. I laugh in an attempt to forget how much I really want to cry. To forget how much it hurts.

My mind is exhausted in the hunt for "what went wrong" or the "over sight" in my certainty. It's fuzzy and tired and fried. My body aches. It makes me painfully aware of just how poweful our mind is...how utterly impossible it is to ignore.

Everything reminds me of how "wrong" I was.

And then in the same instant...everything reminds me of how right it was. How right it still feels.

That is something that is even more horrible to deal with.

My heart overlfows with happiness and love with every breath I take, and then breaks at almost the same exact moment. I can't decide whether it overflows first, and then breaks...or the other way around. I'm not sure if it even matters. But for some reason I think it might.

(Or maybe that's just something I wonder to keep from thinking about other things. I'm not sure.)

I go through a cycle of emotions that is difficult to keep up with...or even make sense of. I'm heart broken, then angry, sad, happy, frustrated, thankful, disappointed. I go from laughing to crying, back to laughing. I feel constantly overwhelmed and even the slightest irritation brings me to dramatics. Then sometimes I'm completely unphased by anything. I'm like a wall. Flat. Silent. Unchanging. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to throw my fists and not care who I hit. I want to be alone. Completely. Nothing but motionless air beside me. Then I want to be surrounded by people. By laughter. By everything. I feel like someone took my world and shook it with all their strength. And now I'm just left here standing in the middle of it wondering what the hell happened. My vision, my mind goes from fuzzy to crystal clear and back to fuzzy in the blink of an eye...sometimes all it takes is one tear...sometimes all it takes is one fraction of a thought. Sometimes it seems like it takes nothing at all.

And while I'm bright enough, wise enough, strong enough to know that all of this is happening for a reason...whether it a lesson, an "omen," or weight lifting for my emotions...all I really want is to feel so right again. So sure. So certain. Even if just for a moment. It was a curious feeling. A joyful feeling. A completely warm and oh-so-indescribable feeling.

When does all of this go away? When do things feel right again, all the time? When does my life resume its course?

...or maybe the more painful question...why does this have to be its course?

I don't buy into the thought that it's some "rite of passage." That it's one of those things that "everyone has to experience." There isn't one thing that is right for everyone. I never needed my heart shattered to appreciate all the love and beauty that surrounded me. I felt it and saw it already. I didn't need to lose something to know how good it was to have it.

And I'm trying to find the silver lining...the lesson...believe me, I am. And perhaps I've found one, or some. Yet I still wonder why it had to turn out this way. I'm sure there were different choices of lesson plans...why'd I have get this one?

I don't know how many times I've asked that.

I don't know how long I've waited for a reply. Or how long I'll have to.

And yet here I am again...emerging from the heart break and frustration, anger and disappointment...smiling. It was wonderful. And I am incredibly lucky and even more grateful. I wonder if everyone is as lucky as I am to feel the things I have...to have that feeling of complete certainty, for whatever amount of time.

And maybe that's the real lesson...nothing is for certain. Only the now. The present. This single breath.

But then, I don't really know if I buy that either. So...what then?

All I can really do is thrive. Not just survive. Not just live. But thrive.

I'm just finding it incredibly difficult right now. It's exhausting to even breathe right now. To blink.

And I know I will be alright, that everything will be okay. I hold out the same optimism and hope for the future as I always have. I know I will step off this path a wiser, stronger, more beautiful person than I am right now, and that I'll be able to look back anger, sadness and bitter free. I look forward to that day.

But for right now...this is how it has to be...

And I guess I'll just have to reluctantly accept that.

Remember when...

...you were young and too busy having fun and living life to be preoccupied with things like insecurities? Yeah...that was a good time.

I sat in awe on Sunday at a child's birthday when, even though none of his friends showed up, the kid had the best time of his life. It was wholly insignificant that there wasn't another kid at his party. It wasn't even a thought...a worry...an anything. He was happy throwing his red, 7 lbs. bowling ball down the lane, watching it roll from side to side, knocking against the bumpers. That was all that mattered. That was everything.

It occurred to me that all the most important things we need to know in life we knew right from the beginning. But life and people and culture has the power to erase, or at least misplace, those things and impose other more painful things on us. Things that cause us to forget those most fundamental and important lessons one should have in their "Life's Tool Box."

Where does all that knowledge go? All that pure, genuine and powerful knowledge...it must be tucked in there somewhere, right? At least I hope so.

So I sat there and watched him laugh and play and be completely unphased by something that would crush grown adults and my heart burst. It burst with the longing to be that happy, that simply. I sometimes think I imagined that time in my life...like it was a memory I borrowed from the movies. But no...I had that once. A life void of insecurity. Void of failure. Void of fear and over thinking and impossibilities.

We're not born insecure. Or fearful. We learn that. We teach that.

And isn't that funny? We thoughtlessly and habitually instill insecurity and fear in the purest hearts. Hearts that know nothing of them. We allow it to swallow up all the most beautiful things in people. Wouldn't it just make sense that we nurture those beautiful parts in people from the start? Give them some water and sun and TLC and watch them bloom. Wouldn't that be amazing?

So I think...if only we could all be kids again. Lost in daydreams. Unaffected by such silly things like caring about what other people think of you. Or by the possibility of not being perfect; of not succeeding. Kids do that naturally. They don't know any differently.

We could learn so much from those we try to teach most.

In all the rush to grow up and be successful and mature and smart we lose the most important keys to growing up successful, mature and smart. And then we spend a lifetime trying to relearn them. Why do we make things so complicated?

So run through sprinklers. Day dream. Imagine your world as colorfully and radiant and "impossible" as you can. And most importantly remember that you can still have the time of your life even if no one shows up to your party.

All you need is you.

...and your red, 7 lbs. bowling ball ;)