On Ignorance.

There is such truth to the statement, "Ignorance is bliss." I don't believe I fully appreciated the sentiment until my heart broke.

I can remember before I were ever in a romantic relationship the feelings of longing and yearning to have someone to call my love. For someone to call me their love. But let's be honest, I had no idea what that even meant. I sure couldn't tell you how it makes a person feel, what it does to a person, the sort of warmth it creates in a person. I especially couldn't tell you the mess it leaves in a person when the love is just suddenly gone.

I sort of miss that ignorance.

I had no idea the pain I'd feel, the things I'd miss. I had no idea that this kind of thing actually existed outside of the movies. It was easy to live under the cloak of not knowing.

And who said it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all?

Had they had their heart broken? Had they sat in disbelief and shock when they realized it was lost? Had they watched it vanish into thin air in response to three words, "I don't know"? And what an amazing trick. I mean, really...an entire life changed, broken, and shaking...an entire part of a person gone...an entire world's axis shifted. With three words. Who saw this one coming?

And coincidentally enough...it also only took three words to realize my dream...

"I love you."

Funny how painful those words have become. Like a bruise.

Before this, I simply wanted love...but now...

Now, there is such a sense of urgency about it. Like the feeling you get when you hold your breath too long...that feeling you have for that first, huge burst of oxygen to your lungs. It's not just a longing anymore, it's a frantic desire.

I miss it. I miss him.

And yet part of me is sort of disgusted with love...and him.

What did I do to deserve this? What was the moment that decided this was the course of my life? And why? Why?

No one can tell me. Not even he can tell me.

Even though it was on his command that it ended, "I don't know." While ironically enough it was on his command that it all even started, "I love you."

What was the point of giving me such a gift if it were going to be taken away so quickly?

Really.

Are these the kinds of things that really make a person stronger? Because right now I feel so broken and so weak that the possibility of feeling whole again seems so...

Impossible.

Now that's a magic trick I'm looking forward to:

Feeling whole again.

What three words make that happen?

When will that huge burst of oxygen find its way to my frantic lungs?

...

It was so much easier when I just wanted love.

But to want love again...?

There's nothing easy about that.

What if.

There is a sign posted outside of this church I pass, almost daily, and every time I pass it I read it. I know it hasn't changed since yesterday, but I read it anyway. And I think about it.

"What if you only had one month to live?"

Now for anyone who knows me, I'm not a religious person in any typical sense. I've never been to a "real" church sermon, or mass, or whatever it is the different religions call it. I've never read the Bible (And let's be honest, I probably never will.). I don't believe in "God" or "Jesus" in any particular way...and definitely not in any Christian way. So the thought doesn't hit me in a religious way...it just hits me.

Every time I pass this church...every time I reread that sign...I am momentarily stopped in thought...

What would I do if I found out that I only had one month to live?

I would tell you I love you. That you stop my heart every time I think about you.

I would tell you that you're being unreasonable. Selfish. Ignorant. Disrespectful.

I wouldn't let my insecurities, my fears, my worries stop me from being all that I am.

Which is sassy. Smart. Beautiful. Sincere. Intriguing. Imaginative. Wild. Illogical. And so much more.

I wouldn't play down the things I excel at.

Or let the things that I don't excel at get me down.

I wouldn't be afraid to step on toes, and cause ripples in the water because you know what, it needs to happen.

I wouldn't let being "uncomfortable" stop me.

I wouldn't be afraid to look out for myself and I would know that if someone is offended by it that it is their problem and not mine.

I wouldn't just know that I am worth it, but I would act on it, too.

I would act. I would do. I would move forward with my eyes wide, my mind open and my heart hungry. Hungry for what it deserves: unconditional love in return for all the unconditional love it gives.

I would take.

Life by the horns.

And make no apologies for it.

I would get on that plane.

I would look you dead in the eye and tell you exactly what I think.

I would push forward through obstacles, leap buildings in a single bound, and cross the bridges that I've always wanted to cross.

I wouldn't burn bridges, but build them. I'd also realize that some bridges aren't passable anymore...and that some aren't worth crossing again.

I would let my heart overflow and not feel embarrassed.

I would shake sense into you. And you. And you.

And definitely you.

I would tell you that you're unhappy and it's because of the choices you've made...so stop blaming others.

I would also tell you that you're strong enough to change that. Because we both know you are.

I would stand still for just a moment and take in as much as I could through all of my senses. And I would cherish it...every sound, sight, smell, taste, touch and thought. I would cherish it because I would know it will never be the same as it is right now.

And that doesn't mean it won't be better...because damnit, I'll make sure it only gets better.

And I will know that I deserve better, too.

I wouldn't take you for granted. I wouldn't take the gifts that I've been given for granted...or the lessons I've learned, the moments my heart has stopped, the tears I've cried, the words I've screamed, or all the lives and hearts I've touched. I wouldn't take ME for granted.

But really...it comes down to one simple thing: If I only had one month to live, I would do just that. I would live.

Not live. But LIVE.

Loud and proud and beautiful. I would laugh and love and learn.

I would thrive.

So why would I wait until I only had one month to live? Why do things like that only seem important when we have a definite end point?

Why does "death" cause us to want to live?

Shouldn't we want that during every second of our life?

Shouldn't we DO that every second of our life?

Yes.

Simply yes.