On Dating.

Dating has been on my mind lately (As it has been for, oh, the past 20 years. [This is a rough estimate surrounding my memories of my first crush: A late-twenty-something year old Liquor Store clerk down the street from my family's apartment, whom I used to pick flowers for. Oh youth!]) and it has become abundantly clear that I have major issues with it.

First issue: I'm afraid of it. I have this conversation repeatedly with the same 3 people (Sorry guys.) because I just can't wrap my head around it. I consider one main fact that I believe exacerbates my fear, which is that I've only been on one "real" date. It was a nice experience...I did the asking, he was as nice as he always was, there was the awkward hug at my door...the usual. And I fancy the memory. Still, I must not fancy it enough as I haven't done anymore asking. But...I haven't really been asked either (And by "really" I mean, I have been asked but it has been mostly by particularly creepy men whom I wouldn't want to hold a door open for me, let alone spend time with in a one-on-one situation.). And still, this fear is not enough for me to completely avoid dating.

Issue numero dos: I don't put on a false face or play mind games…which sounds like the greatest thing possible, but in my experience thus far (Granted, a little lacking, but experience nonetheless.) guys have a tendency to go after the women who do put up false faces and play some sort of game. They go after the drama-queens, the high-maintenance ladies, and the bossy girls (The problem here is due to something being lost in translation. Example: Drama-Queens are somehow perceived as "passionate" at first. Likewise, those that are High-Maintenance are presumed to just "care about themselves" while the Bossy types are considered "beautifully independent." Get a dictionary boys.). Gluttons for punishment? (And in all fairness I'd like to note that I am fully aware that females are guilty of equally heinous dating crimes…it's just that I'm not interested in dating them.)

Issue³: I don't need or want to be saved. Again, something I kind of thought was a good thing. Those "Knights" (As I painfully refer to them as) are different from the guys who go after the "passionate" ones, but just as confusing. These are the guys the go after the most unstable women thinking that he can somehow be the bridge that gives her safe passage over the Raging River of Emotional Instability (Not that we all don't have our own issues…but follow me here.). But you know the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Yeah. I never thought having things slightly together would work against me.

D) Issue: I don't have any clue about how to a) meet new people or b) move from being an acquaintance to being more (Friendship or otherwise.). I don't say this to sound completely stupid, even though I realize that it does, it's just something that I haven't yet gotten an understanding of. All of the friendships that I have, have pretty much been facilitated by the other. This kills me to admit because it requires that I fly my "Socially Stunted" flag but well, that's just the (lame, ridiculous, cold, stupid) reality of the situation.

Dating (Or as is my case, just thinking about it) exhausts me.

That's all I can bare to admit to at the moment.