On Certainty, part 3.

I keep trying to think of a catchy way to start this; a hook, or some sort of opening line that sums up, or at least gives some sort of direction for the following precipitation of words. But I really can't find one, so I figure, why force one?

The past few months of my life have been a bit of a...whirlwind? evolution? experiment gone cuckoo? hasty rush of rebellion? I couldn't sum it up if I tried, and trust me I have tried. But no matter your phrasing, it's all relative anyway. What it is for sure though is...

I am living.

Not just the normal, everyday, sustain your body, autonomic function living. But the out of the ordinary, once in a lifetime, sustain your SOUL and your mind living. I get a little quick of breath just thinking about it.

I waited a long time to live. Too long. And the past two months I haven't been able to think myself out of life, which has always been my issue, and boy let me tell you it has made such a difference. I've never been one not to think things through. In fact, I don't do much without over-thinking. I would argue that I think too much, as if anyone thought that were possible. And it only occurred to me fairly recently that thinking has stopped me from acting, and that has resulted in a life less lived. Not really the sort of thing a 20-something year old dreamer likes to come to realize. Truly. But then there came a moment when, thank goodness, my head silenced itself to listen to my heart and without any useless thinking I acted.

And did I act.

I don't expect anyone to applaud my decisions let alone agree with them. And I really don't expect anyone to understand them. There were my decisions. And isn't that one of the many beauties of life, that I can live my life and you can live yours, and they can look completely different with both of us equally glowing with excitement?

Yes.

I found a love in someone that I didn't know existed for me. A love that even when I thought it was ending I never lost wonder for, excitement for, gratitude for or hope for. I held onto what I could and didn't give up because for all the over-thinking I had done in my life, I had at least come to one life changing conclusion: this is it.

This is the thing worth getting battered and bruised for.
The thing that will give me the strength to stand up and try as many times as possible.
The thing that was reason enough to look logic and all the people who doubt me in the face and just say, "And...?"

I found it. I didn't have to settle. I didn't have to find out what I wanted by dating men who showed me what I didn't want. I didn't have to sell myself short. I didn't have to compromise myself.

I didn't have to do anything but be me and follow my heart. So simple.

And I know that not all understand, and that just as many, if not more, doubt what I am doing. But I just want to tell them, "I'm sorry. And it's okay."

I'm sorry because you don't understand. But I'm even more sorry for the reason you can't understand: because you haven't found it. I'm sorry that you think you know me so well, but clearly you don't. I have a near blemish free past, mostly due to my insistence on thinking instead of acting, but nevertheless, I don't often make bad decisions. And when I do, it's nothing this grand. I'm sorry that this is what causes your true colors to be seen. I may be most sorry for that because there is so much I wanted you to be a part of but it seems you forfeited your right to be a part of it.

And it's okay because I'm happy. And while it hurts me to know that you can't be happy for me because of your insecurities and selfishness, I'm still happy. More than happy. I am the type of happy and excited and blissful that manifests itself as pure, calm confidence. I breathe easier, think clearer, walk bolder and feel deeper.

And for that I say, "Thank you."

Thank you because, even though I don't need another reason to know this is it, the fact that your doubt helps me realize how doubtless I am about this whole thing and feeds my confidence instead of feeds on it makes me grateful.

I don't delude myself into thinking my incredible journey is anywhere near anyone's standards of normal, ideal or even acceptable...

So good thing I'm not living by your standards.

I can see how happy I wouldn't be.