Come fourth.

There is a fine line that I attempt to straddle in my life. But this line is far more complicated and treacherous than even the line between love and hate. It is costly, and messy, and overwhelms me more than most everything else in life.

This is the line that divides my happiness; doing what I want and doing what others want. I know it's there, but I can't find it.

The problem arises with the fact that my happiness is very closely related to the happiness of those around me; the ones I love with every molecule in my body. And sometimes, maybe more often than I'd like to admit, those two points of happiness, the one as a direct result of my wants and the one as a result of my desire to make those around me happy, are very often at odds. I'm not quite sure which point of happiness is "better" or more "fulfilling" because each comes with their very own list of pros and cons. And even after studying them side by side and point by point, neither side really stands out as a clear winner. It's a definite "nose and nose" race.

It's hard for me to discount my own feelings, and I very rarely do, it's just that sometimes I swallow them. And that isn't so much painful as it is difficult; difficult in very much the same way that eating a peanut butter on peanut butter sandwich is difficult when the milk carton has run dry. It's awkward, slightly messy and there is an awful lot of effort exerted in the constant swallowing and smacking and gasping for air. But I don't blame anyone, and I'm not angry over it. It's my decision and I'm comfortable with that. And I don't even feel all that cheated because seeing those around me happy seems to bring just as much happiness as my other option may have.

Sometimes though, and only sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to just do whatever it was that I wanted to do and not for one moment even consider what someone else may think about it. Not care whether or not it would make them happy or not because damnit, it's my life and what I do should have no pull on someone else's emotions.

But life isn't that clean cut or neat. People's lives are intertwined and tangled with others' lives, and a shake of the web from way over there will certainly cause some sort of movement of the web over here. And isn't that part of the beauty of life; that people can be so bonded and connected and in love with each other that the slightest movement in one life may cause movement in another's?

And here, right here, is where the biggest problem arises; where is that line? Where is the line that shows me when it's time to stop caring so much about other people's happiness and when it's time to start caring that much about my own? It's just as confusing and just as sneaky as the tricks that many a magician has ever performed; rabbits out of hats, birds disappearing into thin air, escaping straight jackets, chains and handcuffs all while being submerged in a huge tank of water.

It's all rather exhausting.

And while I know it's incredibly important to figure out, I can't help but feel like a teenager at a magic show. I know there really is no such thing as magic, I know it's a trick but I'm still sitting here wide eyed in awe, frozen in confusion all the while stumped but persistent in trying to figure out just how they did it.

It seems like a lot more than just smoke and mirrors, illusions and hidden keys, with so much more at stake than, "Oohs" and "Aahs."

But will I ever satisfactorily find that line? And if I do, will I be happier? Or will I simply be solving a different equation with the same answer? Sort of like 2 + 2 = 4, just like 1.5 + 2.5 does; one slightly more complicated, but maybe a little more fun to solve. I don't know…

I think I may need Houdini's help with this one.