The Feller Number.

The recent year has taught me a huge number of weird, sometimes hilarious, but more often than not, plain old complicated things about myself. I’ve learned that organizing your closet by color isn’t just a sign of impeccable organizational skills, but also a sign of O.C.D. I’ve learned that simply saying, “I love you,” isn’t the same as showing love. I’ve learned that when push comes to shove, I am resilient and strong and powerful. I’ve also learned that you can’t teach someone to be spontaneous.

Never in my most wild and carefree days was I ever a spontaneous person. I took the words, “Look before you leap,” seriously; so seriously that they became less of a guideline and more of a way of life. I think things through until there is nothing more to think about, and then I start thinking about it again. I feel better with schedules and routines, habits and normalities; just “jumping off” the proverbial cliff has never been something I’ve ever actually considered. Just the mere thought of such an act very often led to cold sweats and shaky breathing.

At the point that I became aware of this anti-spontaneity way of life I subscribe to, I decided I should do something about it; and in true “plan it out, think it through” form, I devised a ridiculous sort of plan. I said, “Self, everyday you’re going to do something spontaneous.” Yes, you heard me correctly; I actually planned on doing something unplanned (You see, my closet is only the beginning of my issues).

Now as logic would have it, the plan crashed and burned; and I mean that in the least dramatic sense. A more logical person would have seen the fatal flaw in the spontaneity plan before it ever became a plan, but I am not that person. So, on day one as I sat in my room and thought out what I would do for the day, I actually thought, “Okay, so what spontaneous thing am I going to do today?”

It was at this point the fatal flaw became obvious to me; I saw it grab its stomach, huddled over in laughter and say, “Serious?” I responded red-cheeked, “Ya-no?” This was a bad sign.

So I resigned myself to the fact that I would never be a naturally spontaneous person; I half bowed my head in failure and half breathed a solid sigh of relief. This was okay, and actually, it was better than okay. I was learning myself: strengths and weaknesses, natural abilities and things I’d have to put effort into. It just so happens that much like an old dog and new tricks, you can’t really teach spontaneity.

The issue now becomes simply being open to spontaneity as it presents itself. I’ll never be the person who just packs up her car and drives and drives and just finds herself somewhere. I’ll never be the person who just walks up to a stranger and says, “Hey, my name is Carolina. Would you like to get dinner sometime?” I can be, however, a person that doesn’t completely turn their back on spontaneity; another habit I have deliberately collected.

I recognize that I am naturally a planner and an over-thinker. And even more than just recognize it, I accept it, embrace it; it is a huge part of who I am, and I happen to like that person. What I don’t like however, is that I have passed up many opportunities for fun and crazy and lowered inhibitions all for the sake of, “Look before you leap.” There is a huge element to life that can’t be tamed and can’t be predicted, so there is no use in trying to. Those times in life could turn out to be huge mistakes, but who knows, they could also turn out to be huge successes. Some of the best things in life are surprises, the things left unplanned; jumps off the steep and exhilarating cliff. But in my growing habit of thinking too much and doing so little, I’ve become a person almost completely void of that part of life.

I’m not saying that I need to take every risk that presents itself, or jump off every cliff I come across. But what I am saying is that while I will not naturally find myself facing huge risk or at the cliff’s edge often, if ever, I do need to keep myself open.

Open to the times where I see that someone I trust, someone I love, is going to jump and wants me to join in on a glorious life adventure that I shouldn’t say, “Well, I don’t know…”

I should take a leap without a look from time to time; jump off and make like a cannon-ball, look back giggling and exclaim, “Last one down is buying drinks!”